2002’s The Ring was a nifty little horror film. Although it was an inferior remake of the Japanese Ringu, the American version still managed to pack a creepy wallop in the scare department. When The Ring made over $130 million at the box office, a sequel was inevitable. The producers went as far as to secure the director of the original Japanese film as the director of the sequel in an apparent attempt to preserve a link to the original’s scary genealogy. The attempt failed. Sequels are usually somewhat disappointing, but The Ring Two is a full-fledged trainwreck.
Rachel (Naomi Watts) and Aidan (David Dorfman) attempt to put their past behind them by moving from Seattle to Astoria, Oregon. Rachel takes a job at the local newspaper where, according to the locals, a cat stuck in a tree is a big event. When the newspaper’s police scanner picks up a call regarding a body being found in front of a TV with a disfigured face, Rachel assumes that the evil videotape is somehow back in circulation. In one eventful evening, Rachel manages to get into the ambulance carrying the victim’s body to verify the description of his face. She then sneaks into the police station to interrogate the sole witness of the victim’s death, breaks into the crime scene to retrieve the tape, and, finally, douses it with gasoline and lights it on fire. End of story, right? Not quite. Inexplicably, Samara (Kelly Stables) returns and attempts to possess Aidan.
What follows is a comedy posing as a horror film. I literally laughed out loud at some of the supposedly frightening scenes. One in particular, involving a herd of poorly animated CGI deer, was especially hilarious. Another scene features what seem to be possessed toilets. Nothing says scary like a belching toilet.
The Ring worked because it had a carefully crafted, tense atmosphere. The scares were genuine. In The Ring Two, there are jump scenes but no truly scary moments. In fact, the only thing about this movie that frightened me was how bored I was watching it. Never before have I been bored by a horror movie, even a horrible one. Amazing.
Naomi Watts is normally a wonderful actress. Her work in 21 Grams, Mulholland Drive and even the atrocious I Heart Huckabees is miles above what’s on display here. I was even more surprised to see Sissy Spacek and Elizabeth Perkins in this dreck even though I haven’t seen either one in anything worth mentioning recently. Gary Cole, who’s probably best known for his role as Bill Lumbergh in Office Space or Mike Brady in the new Brady Bunch movies, turns up in a cameo as a realtor. When a cameo is a major highlight, a film is in trouble.
I have no idea what the filmmakers were attempting with this sequel aside from raking in some more cash. (And that worked because The Ring Two pulled in over $75 million at theatres this year in the U.S. alone.) Let’s hope we don’t see The Ring Three.
0.5 out of 5.0 stars
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