Whether you call yourself a Christian or not, this is not a good movie.
I typically avoid reviewing faith-based films. Not because I have any problem with them but because they’re inherently review-proof. Their message is that being Christian is the answer to any problem. It doesn’t matter what the problem might be.
Assassin 33 A.D. intrigued me because it has a concept that I found rather fascinating. What if someone went back in time to prove that Jesus Christ was real? That would solve a lot of today’s issues wouldn’t it? Of course, since time travel doesn’t exist, no one can do that. But in a science fiction film setting, it provides a wealth of interesting story line ideas. I was curious to see what a filmmaker — any filmmaker — bold enough to tackle this subject would come up with.
Unfortunately, Jim Carroll, the writer and director of Assassin 33 A.D., frames his story with rampant Islamophobia and populates it with actors of questionable ability. This might be the funniest film I’ll watch this year and it’s not even a comedy. (And it’s only the first week of March.)
The movie opens with Brandt (Donny Moaz) on a Sunday drive with his wife and two daughters. Brandt explains to his wife (Heidi Montag) his displeasure that he’s now the head of security for a research company after he’s saved an embassy. His wife tells him that she feels like God is about to do something miraculous through him. Suddenly, a truck smashes into their car and everyone but Brandt is killed.
We then cut to Ram Goldstein (Morgan Roberts) awkwardly running into Amy Lee (Ilsa Levine) after taking a test at the same research company where Brandt works. After an extremely stilted conversation, they go on a date and become involved in an equally forced relationship. Three months later, Ram and Amy are working together at that same company. Their test results apparently got them the job. Their boss, Ahmed (Gerardo Davila), is trying to find a way to teleport objects from one place to another. If successful, the technology would be worth billions. Ahmed promises his young scientists hefty cash bonuses if they succeed.
When Ram accidentally stumbles onto a solution that makes time travel possible, Ahmed reveals his sinister plans. It seems that Ahmed is not simply a Muslim immigrant giving young American scientists the opportunity to make a little money and help the world. No, he’s a Muslim extremist who wants to use the technology to go back in time to kill Jesus Christ. (If you could travel through time, that’s the first thing you’d want to do, right? In this case, there is a reason for Ahmed’s hatred of Christianity since the film has to stay on-message.) Once Ram and Amy discover Ahmed’s plot, they have to figure out a way to save Jesus from dying at the hands of terrorists so he can die on the cross. Seriously.
Assassin 33 A.D. tackles time travel which is an incredibly ambitious goal for a filmmaker of Carroll’s ability. It is one of the hardest plot devices to use correctly because it immediately opens a film up to a myriad of plot holes and timeline issues. Carroll throws caution to the wind and delves right into the premise with gusto. However, his particular subject has one big problem. Jesus already dies in the original version of his story. Wouldn’t he also be resurrected if terrorists killed him? In fact, one might argue that the terrorist angle would be even more impressive for someone looking to find a following.
Barring that (ahem) minor issue, the script is unnecessarily convoluted and the writing so downright lazy that when things get too complicated, a character actually says, “It’s complicated” when asked to explain how something happened. To be kind, the pairing of this poor script with late-night TV movie production values makes for a graceless and amateurish film. I won’t even get into the stereotypically racist portrayals of Muslims or the use of the film’s sole black cast member as comic relief. (But I do have to mention that when that character apologizes to Jesus for bootlegging a movie, I laughed. It was the only attempt at humor in the film that worked as intended. This same character also admonishes Jesus for quoting The Terminator out of context.)
Assassin 33 A.D.‘s core premise remains intriguing but this bungled attempt at making something profound doesn’t do it justice at all. Whether you call yourself a Christian or not, this is not a good movie.
1.0 out of 5.0 stars
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